I feel pathetic. I feel stuck. I think I know where I want to be, but it all feels so far away that I don’t know where to start.

I saw a psychologist for a few appointments between June and October. She was actually surprisingly good and helped me work through a lot of things, but I feel like I can’t go back to her because she gave me ‘homework’ to cut my hair short. She (accurately) observed that in my head, my hair was my big first hurdle. I tried. I had a consultation and I brought photos of what hairstyle I wanted, and the hairstylist wouldn’t do it. I didn’t give her a big enough reason. My “because I want to” was not enough. I felt humiliated by her and I feel pathetic in that I feel like I can’t face the psychologist again. Shitty situation.

In more positive (ish?) developments, I am wearing the men’s uniforms at work now. It was a debacle with backwards and forwards with management about if I was even allowed to do that, and a year after ordering, I finally got the uniforms I wanted. At least I feel a little bit more comfortable in my own skin at work.

I was not prepared for how quickly I was accepted into “boys club” with the guys that know what I’m going through. It makes me feel really nice and included. We had a bbq a few months ago and the boys all went to stand around the barbeque to cook and talk shit, and I was ushered by one of my friends to join them. A good bit of gender euphoria during a year that’s been a little shit.

I feel like I’m just doing small baby steps with all of this… I know I need to be kinder to myself, but I also need to develop some conviction and just cut my damn hair off. It’s terrible how I’m wondering if pretending that I’m doing World’s Greatest Shave will be a ‘good enough reason’ for a hairdresser to want to cut it.

Jay.