I did it.
I thought I couldn’t. I thought I was just going to be sad and alone with this forever, but I was brave and vulnerable and I finally told someone in my life.
It all happened at a work conference this past weekend and it was not what I expected at all. I went with some co-workers, most of whom I’m pretty good friends with, and we had a great time. The conference itself was great and proved to me that I made the right career choice. Not much else to say about that, really.
The cocktail party was where it all went down. Yes, the event that I had been anxious about for weeks because I needed clothes for it but didn’t want to look feminine. I didn’t actually end up buying a new outfit at all and instead created something with items I already owned and the fashion prowess of my female friends. I wore black pants, a white silk button down and my green suit blazer. It looked amazing. The fit of the blazer covered my hips and made my chest look flatter and it was honestly the first time I felt like myself in formal wear.
With the high of feeling confident for once, I did drink more than I usually do. For context, ever since losing about 20kg a few years ago, I haven’t had more than about two or three drinks in a night. It’s not that it gets me wasted or anything but it’s usually the point where I’m most comfortable and a good place to stop.
I think I had about seven drinks. As I have just discovered, drinking that much makes me extremely emotional and spill my guts to everyone.
I spent most of the night attached at the hip to my best friend. We work together, we go to gym together, and he’s basically like a brother to me, so we are extremely close. I have debated ‘coming out’ to him before as he is one of the best people I know and he has a trans masc friend who I hear about a lot. I might make a post specifically about my best friend because he has been a source of unintentional gender euphoria over the past few years.
Anyway, we both drank quite heavily and spent a long time talking at a lounge. We are similar in that we appear not very emotional on the surface but under the right circumstances open up. It was so nice to talk to someone without filter. He said some very nice things about me and said he felt honoured to be my chosen family. He almost made me cry. It’s the closest I’ve felt to someone emotionally in a long time as I keep most people at arm’s length. I love him to bits and I knew that he had to be the first one I told and that it had to be tonight.
The night ended and we all went to our respective hotels. I sunk into my bed and got out my phone and started drafting a message to him. It basically said that I wanted to tell him (and by extension, his wife, my other best friend) that I had been going through a tough time with gender dysphoria over the last few years and I was not sure what it meant but still figuring it out. I was just about to delete the entire thing and go to sleep when it suddenly showed that he was ‘Active Now’. I made myself press the send button by convincing myself that I was still drunk, but I had never felt more sober waiting for him to read it and respond.
And after the longest three minutes of my life, he did.
He told me that he was here for me no matter what, nothing would change, and that I’m still the same person in his eyes.
The relief that I felt… I can’t even describe it. We texted about it for a little and talked about options for seeing someone about it. He convinced me that I should tell his wife myself without the aid of alcohol, and of course he is right about that. He was also right that nothing would change, surprisingly. I didn’t feel any awkwardness the next day from his end which made me not feel awkward either. We were still us, making stupid jokes and jamming to 2000s pop punk on the drive back to the airport.
I’m so glad I told him.
But it’s also scary, because this is how the ball starts rolling. Things will start to change now.
I am making plans to tell his wife in about a week’s time. I am also feeling up to telling one of my other friends soon, too. She has picked up on my down mood before and I told her that one day I would tell her but that I wasn’t ready yet. I’m finally starting to feel ready.